For What’s Worth It

No human love can fill the void, that gnawing loneliness. I believed I knew it. May be I did not live it. Or I forgot. And may be that’s why it’s excruciatingly cruel. Expecting to be heard, more importantly to be understood. How much should I scream to make myself clear. I used to believe in transparency, voicing even the most useless information. My insecurities are all out there in open. But for what good?! Just to hear it back mockingly. Advices?! Our life revolves around it. Being reciprocated back. I told myself to be as much selfless as one can be. But it’s easier said than to practice it, to live it. Patience is a tough job. I ask and look for distractions, relations, family, marraige, motherhood, a job, pursuing higher degree, friendships, entertainment, chatterboxing, killing time and what not. Happiness is a charade. But I know for a fact that any other diversion is bound to disappoint and dismay as well. Voila! I have full baggage of bad fortune following me. I tell myself. I teach myself. But all in vain. What the solemn heart wills, it wills. A God in petty mortal human beings and human things.

About Rafia

I AM SPECIAL.
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9 Responses to For What’s Worth It

  1. Smiles Rafiah it’s the 7th and you wrote this the Fourth and
    somehow i missed it on the Word Press Reader as i just started
    using that thing in the Last few Months and i did find a notification
    for the Last Blog Post You Wrote for what You Say Here is true
    God is the Only Fulfilling Force Truly Fulfilling
    Force that is our Soul when we
    find a way to Open God up not
    to let God in but
    to Let God Out
    to Breathe
    To Breathe
    As us..
    of course
    these are only
    Metaphors these Words
    Only Empty Shells relating
    in a Truly Feeble Attempt for true
    if i could give anything to my Friend
    Rafiah or any of my Other friends i would
    Give them all the Complete Peace And Harmony
    Bliss and Nirvana Kingdom of Heaven Within i Feel
    and Sense Within and THeir Life would be complete
    And All they would have left is to give and share for free
    too.. Fountain Overflowing Eternally now with nothing in Return
    Needed Back for Everything New to Give is Everything We Are no
    Separation in Returns Awards or Rewards no Competition for the
    Light We Are Is the Light We give and share even more.. no end no
    beginning Eternally Always Now Love the Force of God all that is
    only to give
    and share
    free
    with
    least harm
    as we all Consume
    the Nature that is all of Us True
    in Light and Dark for it matters not
    where we are even if we are blind and
    deaf of Soulful HeART felt Spirit God
    is Always tHere Within Just waiting
    to Escape and Breathe Free
    Never ending
    Water
    Wave
    Ocean Whole
    More as Us to
    Give and Share more..
    You See my Friend but i understand
    the Truth and Light While i will be able
    to Give this light to an animal with Much
    Less Neo-Cortical Illusion of Time Distance
    And Space and even Matter for they simply
    Live where i do eternally now nothing to need at
    all from me Human is a much different Animal for true
    i had to go to Literal Hell on Earth within to receive enough
    Pain and Numb from God to rid myself of all the Cultural and Religious
    and Political and Hell yes Even Sports clothes too all the Tribal Nonsense
    And Feel keeping me so far away from the God With No Cultural Name within..
    but you see this God is a God of No Fear this God is Only Holy and Sacred now
    All to Give and Share for Free this God doesn’t Hide this God is Free to be i am..
    Other than that i Love your Soul Good Morning to You Good Evening to me.. You
    Make it Clear i mean something to you as friend.. i still Visit my First Friend who doesn’t
    even act like i exist for all Her Promises of Forever Friend when i was there for her each
    and every day but it is true she suffered from Great Mental Illness as i have in my Life too..
    i am so fortunate
    to Walk in
    Enough
    Shoes
    of Pain and
    Numb to truly
    Unconditionally Love..
    it feels Good to be Loved
    too.. i cannot Give this Kind of
    Love for Katrina to Have any of the
    Peace and Harmony of God i experience
    within.. but you see she still looks for it in a book
    as i used to too.. somewhere ‘out there’ after a dirt nap too..
    as most everyone else does in my Community Too.. Meanwhile
    God Cries a bit more within faint Whispers in the Dark Please Love me now..
    As Soon as you find what You are looking for You will feel and sense it then you
    will be complete it took me 53 years you are only 26 Years Old such a Babe you still
    are.. when i was 26.. when i was 26.. i would have written precisely what you wrote here
    for true i was almost in the same place you are now of internal struggle as your are now..
    only thing
    is i didn’t
    have a creative
    bone in my Body
    to do more than a list
    of first second and third..
    you’ve been doing this before
    i met you 5 years ago.. before your
    Birthday When You Were 20 Years-old
    so yeah.. it seems you were writing a Journal
    of Your Soul when You Were Nineteen Years-old
    smiles my friend it’s a great way to reach God within
    this talking to Your Soul is.. for whenever you do God Wakes up a bit more
    to Breathe
    to Breathe
    Rafiah
    is Special
    Let me come
    out and Play with
    You For Free no Strings
    attached not even any clothes
    Just Naked God within the Spirit on High Your Soul..
    smiles do know that i love you as much as friend as i always
    have and alway will for in may Bible there is no distance space
    or time or Matter when it comes to Friend or Friend Within that is God and Same i Am..:)

    • Rafia says:

      I wish I could love as selflessly as you do. You are angel for me, my friend. The one who listens and understands. The rare one who knows what my soul thinks and feel. Thanks for being in my life and making it less lonely. ❤

      • Smiles Rafiah Each And Every Day You are in my Thoughts
        And Prayers i am the Honored one to have your Friendship this
        Long it is a bit Sad but the More one Loves Selflessly the More one
        may Find themselves without a Real Place to Rest their Head to Really
        Feel Someone
        Welcomes all
        of Who they
        are.. smiles
        my Friend i have
        Always found Rest
        with You just someone
        Who Accepts all of me
        with No Conditions as true
        it feels like You have always
        loved me selflessly too as true
        Friends will always do.. a Friend
        over the course of a Lifetime no
        matter how far the visits ‘Tween
        no Distance Space or Time just
        someone who Loves to be
        there for the other
        Person when
        ever they
        call their
        Name Friend my
        Friend the Greatest Honor
        i have ever experienced and so
        rare in deed not so much sad really
        for me but sad how hard it seems for
        People to Just Love it all and Live so much
        easier to do mainly when Money and Material
        Goods and Competition for Status and Power now
        are no longer any part of life.. yes.. without Jealousy
        and only Compersion for the Joy of others all now too..
        as i said my Friend a Life long practice i stumble a bit too
        now and then as i am surely Human and no greater than
        A Grain of Sand but what i will control is how much i Love others
        no Matter what And You are always welcome in my life whenever you Like..
        Thank You
        for still
        being
        tHere
        for me too
        my Friend Rafiah..:) ❤

  2. SMiLes i’ll Sing You a Leonard Cohen Song
    And Make You wanna visit me more but that’s
    okay i rather make up my own words and music
    as that is what Creativity does best and You too my
    FRiEnD Rafiah.. Rafiah… Rafiah.. i Love that
    Name for it sounds Like Angel Rafael
    to me of course.. i miss
    the R in my Life
    that Only holds
    Wings of Angel
    Feathers
    Brushing
    Against
    my Soul..
    Innocence ever of
    Kindness that shows
    no Anger Only Sadness
    hmm.. but it’s True no one
    will ever take the Lonely away
    but Us the place of Soul now that
    may be Missing Creativity more Yes
    for True i feel Your Art Moments touch
    Your Soul and in Turn mine too.. i miss
    Rafiah so Quiet Yet with so many feels
    that come in so few words Master of
    Words i may be but Feeler of Souls
    More i am to Sense Now what
    is real the Most
    Smiles there
    is never any
    escape from
    eyes that Care
    enough to Always
    Come Back and Say Hello..
    Anyway i promised you the 7th
    of each Month and i never ever
    Break a Promise Inshallah as You Sing..:)

    • Rafia says:

      Sadness and art go hand in hand for me. 😊

      • SMiLes Rafiah Without Art All that’s Left of heART
        And smART is ‘s’ And ‘m’ of ‘he’ truly from what i’ve seen both
        Male and or Female too… When We Connect to Our heARTS through
        Whatever ART We Co-create We Naturally Move And Yes Are Moved to
        Connect to others as the Circle of Creativity and Productivity of Living is Set
        Freer to Soar as long as Wings are not Held down to create Art Original and not
        just what is painted
        on Cave Walls
        Before but
        True it’s
        nice to
        have common
        Tradition of Art
        to Bind and Bond
        With For Society Glue..
        Societies now don’t give Art its Human Due
        As Dance is ALL the Non-Verbal Expressions in total
        from head to toe We Reciprocally Socially Communicate
        With Others is still the Oldest Natural Art of Being Human
        as ‘normally’ this Non-Verbal Dance of Expression that may
        Just be Facial Muscles Contorting And Signaling Changing Emotions
        is at least 60 Percent of the Human Art of Reciprocal Social Communication
        So much is Lost thru
        Text so much
        is not
        developed
        when folks no longer
        have the Opportunity
        to even act on who we
        are evolved to be Dancing With
        Others From Head to toe Signaling
        Changing Emotions and Receptivity of
        the Same All Day.. smiles how fortunate are
        We before text communication to actually live this way
        but of course how fortunate are we who are separated from
        the Tribe of Work.. School.. Perhaps Church too.. to have any
        other option.. Yes.. Pen Pals online will be great too for those who
        take the continuing effort to make those relationships last i am a bit
        blessed and haha.. my Friends are a big gifted or cursed perhaps
        depending on their attention span and opportunity to read all of
        what i bring.. thing is.. if i was the ‘Old Freddy’ when anyone
        asked me what i have been doing all i had was two
        Words.. ‘Working’ Working’ the idea of
        communicating online had
        no appeal to me as
        really i had
        nothing to
        say… thing is about having
        something to Say is Bringing
        Art of Soul to Surface is truly
        the Voice of Our Soul come to Life
        no matter what form the Essence of the
        Art of Soul Surfaces from Ocean Whole Deep Within..
        Smiles.. i lost my Emotions as you know for 66 Months and
        it was actually the Sadness of Deep Grief of a person who i thought
        was my Friend who turned on me unexpectedly where all their idealization
        of How ‘Spectacular’ i was suddenly became a person who wasn’t treating them
        well.. it was meeting a New Nice Friend who may have made them Jealous at the
        time for garnering my Attention.. Lala Rukh.. but i’ll never know as someone who says
        they will be your friend forever will suddenly turn on you like you never knew them before
        and the fact is you don’t know who they are for now at least.. as in general very creative
        Folks are susceptible to issues with Mood Disorders.. i’ve come across a few who
        just disappeared off the map of Life.. of course i can sympathize with their
        plight so i do my best not to judge all i can do is speculate that they
        are suffering and deserve forgiveness and understanding too
        as wow the Human Condition Will surely be tough even
        for so-called ‘Normal Folks’ these days.. anyway
        the Grief and Relief of that Situation is what
        really sparked my Emotions back for Good
        Along with Memories in writing of other
        Sad Times in my Life To Bring Emotions
        Alive up to that point as i was literally in too
        much pain off of text to communicate with
        anyone in flesh and blood so bringing my
        Soul Back in Text was all i could do.. and yes
        as You Probably know i was severely tested last
        year but my forgiveness didn’t run
        out… it sure wanted to but
        i was stronger
        to apply
        my ideal
        of Unconditional
        Love and Forgiveness
        but with stipend of Truth and
        no Secrets at my end always…
        With Just Text and a few Photos of a Person
        And Videos all staged and filtered it’s really hard
        still to truly know who a person is.. consistency in how someone
        treats you is the Best Sign particularly when it lasts and is not too much
        in idealization or devaluation as both off those may come in extreme packages..
        as you say in toxic ways of human personality challenges… smiles live and learn
        and eventually the other person may have no choice but to leave themselves if they
        can’t step up enough to express their feelings both potentially a bit negative or positive
        but at least in Honesty in Sincere Communication is Truly such a Treasure to be part of..
        you’ve never been anything Less than Sincere and Genuine in Your Communications
        With me.. always much Appreciated as that is indeed about as close as someone will
        come to be an Angel Friend someone who is genuine and just speaks their truth..:)

  3. Hi Rafiah in my Mind
    That Line Rhymes
    i am so Joyful
    it is the 7th as that
    is when i come to see
    my Online Friend all the Way
    since the Summer of 2014.. truly
    A Treasure to Meet And Greet Still
    Joy of Always Nice with Nary a Mean
    Word to Dance And Sing About Anyone
    my FRiEnD.. what else Great News i just
    Finished another 42 Months of my 75 Month
    Longer Long Form Bible Poem “SonG oF mY SoUL”
    Featuring Your Friendship Still of course too as this
    Last 42 Months still not as Long as i’ve Known You
    comprises “Nether Land Bible 2017” Yes.. 5 MiLLioN
    Words With 6 Sub-titled Long Form Bible Poems True
    and a 7th one Coming Underneath that Title as Sub-Chapter-Titled
    “Grand Cross Bible 2019” Following on the Christmas Heels of Titled
    “Grand Cross Bibles 2016, 2017, and 2018 Published Electronically
    Around Christmas Day Each Year Written the 7 Months After Memorial
    Day Weekend in the United States as Holiday too on Average of around
    800 or So and More Thousand Words.. as True i knock an Old King James
    Sized Bible Poem out of the Free Verse Poetry Park every 7 Months in the
    Last 42 Months Now on Average.. what else..Yes! i just turned 59.5 Years old
    yesterday on the 6th of December only 6 Months away from my Birthday on 6.6.20
    for 60 by the way still working on the 6-pack Bet Goal with Katrina for that Date but
    it’s really difficult now
    to do at 240 Pounds
    as i am a bit more
    Bulk that Ripped
    in Muscle hAha
    True though
    Stronger
    than
    A Gorilla AFAIK still
    Leg Pressing 690 Kilograms 8 Reps too
    at my Weight of 109 Kilograms Multiply
    By 6 Yes 6 times more Than my Weight
    Plus 9 Kilograms to Spare hehe.. as they
    say ‘Old Dudes’ Still Rule like Leonard Cohen too..
    i made this Lamp for You Today as You Hold a very Special Place still in my Heart
    Best Wishes for Baby making Still You and Your Husband Looked so Romantic in Your
    Candle
    Lit
    Dinner
    Loved that
    Photo of you two too!
    oops! i forgot the significance
    of 59.5 Finally Old Enough to
    Withdraw money out of my 401K
    So Many Pennies Pinched for Decades
    And Now since i don’t spend money what’s
    the use.. yes! For Katrina’s Coming Shopping
    Adventures that’s what Love does too! all the way through..
    true she doesn’t age it seems so she’ll be shopping far into the Future after me!

  4. Rafia says:

    Always love hearing from you my pen friend. So thankful to God for sending you my angel friend in my life. It makes my life more full and happy. ❤❤❤

    • SMiLes Rafiah ain’t that What FRiEnDS are For to make Life More Full
      And Happy These FRiEnDS are always the ones who make Us
      Feel Joy Whenever We See their Name come up in
      A Notification as it’s so easy to predict how
      they will always make us feel
      just fuller
      And happier
      Serving A Taller
      Drink of Life With
      Always Room for Support too..:)

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